Awakening from a nights sleep, I look at the clock on the dresser beside my bed and it reads 9:22 a.m. My body feels like it weighs 500 pounds and there is a pit in my stomach and a lump in my throat and the urge to cry is almost immediate. I have no desire to move out of bed because the thought of how empty and how everyone looks over me is too much to endure. The unwanted visitor has arrived and has its tight grip over me. I pick up my phone and look at Facebook and upon scrolling, I see others having dinner with friends, taking pictures with their boyfriends or husbands, getting engaged or having fun at the beach or some place with friends and it annoys me so I put my phone away and that’s when I realize that I have to get up because I have to go into work.
I let out an audible “ugh” and I stay in bed until the very last moment when I muster up the energy to fight this feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest, and I get up and make my way to the bathroom to do my morning ritual of bathing and what not, and while I’m doing so, I don’t want to see or talk to anybody. I just want to be left alone and just seal myself in a room and just be away from everything and everybody, including loved ones. The last thing I want to do is go into work and have to put on a smile and help others find what they need and respond to calls over the walkie, and answer phone calls. Before I leave, I reach for the bottle of my anxiety medication (40mg Vybriid) and I hope that it will help get me through the day.
Dealing with anxiety and depression is a double whammy because the two play off one another. Imagine playing tug of war and you’re trying to get control of the rope to defeat the anxiety and the medicine usually helps you defeat anxiety’s ugly head, but when you have depression teamed up with anxiety, you’re flying head first into the mud pit. So when I have to go into work, I pray that the medication helps. On days that the Vybriid doesn’t help, all I can do is try to stay hidden and just focus on the task at hand, which is why I don’t mind pushing freight to the floor and stocking shelves in certain areas of the store, unfortunately I do get stopped by people from time to time.
There are certain things that usually are the reasons for the depression’s visit. It could be a dream that unlocks something in my subconscious that I have been avoiding or that it could just be that in my life, I feel like everyone’s second thought. I’ve always had to put myself second to someone else’s wishes and I’ve always been hurt in the end by people I thought loved and cared about me. The last day that I had a really bad bout with depression to the point where it was almost paralyzing was on Christmas Day. I never know when I’ll get the visit from that visitor so every day that I’m not feeling shattered is a blessing. Sometimes the depression can last for days or weeks and for those of you who are lucky enough not to deal with this, you are truly blessed.
Anxiety has completely crippled my life because I don’t drive because of the fear that someone is going to pop out in front of me, or cut me off. I had a car a few years ago, and it was a stick shift which made the anxiety a LOT worse. At stop lights, especially on hills, people would get right on your bumper, and with manual transmissions, the car rolls back, so I would freak out a lot and have SEVERE panic attacks. So now I miss out a lot because I have to rely on someone else or spend LOTS of money on taxi’s. From where I live now, it’s almost $20 one way from here to work.
I hope I’ve been successful in opening the doors a little into the battles of anxiety and depression that I battle with. Anxiety is an every day monster that I deal with and the depression is an unfortunate bonus I get from time to time. I hope everyone had a wonderful 2016 so far, and more to come later.