Anti-melancholy Is Hell

I’m not sure which is worse; major depressive disorder, or the perfect treatment several psychiatrists I went through to find it.

I’ve suffered from MDD for almost my entire life. It’s a perpetual depression with no rational cause other than a deficiency of serotonin and oxytocin. I’ve seen several psychiatrists (a field of medicine I despise and have no scientific respect for) and have found no relief  (big surprise). Twenty years go by with thoughts of suicide never far from my mind. Finally I found one, quite incompetent in every way, but he got lucky. A cocktail of Celexa and Effexor did it. I had tried: nortryptelyne, amatryptelyne, Prozac, zoloft, Paxil, Buspar, Anafranil, and others I’ve probably forgotten. Even the granddaddy of them all, Remeron. None of them did anything except make me crave sugar.

So now the depression was finally gone completely. And I knew happiness for the first time in, well forever. And then after about 3 years of this it became hell. I felt upbeat. All the time.  Even when I shouldn’t. Like when I watched my father take his last breath. Even then I felt nothing but upbeat. I’m sorry but that is not human. None of it was. I realized I hadn’t really felt human in years. No real emotions. Just false happiness. I knew I had to do something. I talked to the psychiatrist. Had one of the meds discontinued. It helped some. But I still feel constantly upbeat. In this case though it just might be positive life circumstances. That’s a first.

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